


the devil on my shoulder

by i_was_human



Series: the children we were are out of reach [6]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Gen, Guilt, Introspection, Lee Minsoo-centric, No beta we die like mne, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Friendships, aged-down characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:21:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human
Summary: He just wants to please people.Loneliness is one of the most powerful forces in the world for a reason.
Relationships: Kim Daehyun & Lee Minsoo
Series: the children we were are out of reach [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1966099
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	the devil on my shoulder

The first time Minsoo realizes something is wrong is just-

it's _petty_ , is what it is. It's not some grand, climactic moment where he realizes all of his faults. It's not something that irrevocably alters his worldview.

It's just an offhand comment.

_"What about that little idol bitch?"_

It shouldn't bother him as much as it does.

It shouldn't bother him at _all_.

And yet, even if they've decided to abandon him, Minsoo _still cares_ about his groupmates. Cares about them to his detriment, really, because like the fool he is, he asks what they mean.

"Aww," Woojin teases, "are you gonna get upset over the truth?"

And it _is_ the truth, Minsoo knows - his groupmates _really are not nice people_.

And yet-

"No," he lies, the words burning his tongue. And then again, to be sure, "nah. Like you said, 's true."

Woojin crows, leaning over to slap his shoulder, but Minsoo can't help thinking about it.

Is that how they see him? Just as an idol?

No. Surely not. They're friends. Woojin said so!

He puts it out of his mind as they head for the supermarket, blowing clouds into the air of both smoke and vapor and joking around with the others like everything's fine.

It's that night when the cracks start to show, and once they do, they never really heal.

* * *

The issue is this: toxic relationships need healthy ones for points of comparison.

Minsoo does not have that.

Oh, he did once, but memory is an unreliable source at best, and even those relationships bordered on unhealthy. In truth, he's letting the parts of him that make him _Minsoo_ die, in favor of appealing to people who are never going to truly care about him.

He refuses to see this.

It's plain to anyone with eyes. Minsoo doesn't _like_ the things they do, doesn't _like_ beating people up, doesn't _like_ smoking cigarettes or drinking beer.

He just wants to please people.

Loneliness is one of the most powerful forces in the world for a reason. 

And _oh_ , from his birth Minsoo's been lonely, from the day Minsung got accepted to XR he's been lonely, from the day he first met Jaewon and Daehyun and saw how close they were to each other-

he's always been lonely.

But somehow, he never stopped to think that the loneliness that comes with people who don't truly care about you can be far worse.

That's where he fails, really. In failing to consider that, he won't ever be able to find the truth.

They don't care about him. That much is clear for anyone to see.

But for Lee Minsoo - desperate, lonely, aching Lee Minsoo - anything is better than being alone.

Even if that something just leaves him lonely in a different, more painful way.

* * *

The problem is not them, he decides. No - it's _him_.

 _They're_ all fine with drinking beer and smoking, but he hates the taste and the feeling. _They're_ all fine with beating people up, but he scrubs his hands for hours afterwards.

 _He_ is the problem. _He's_ the one who isn't conforming. 

He mulls over this as he stretches, thighs screaming from a lack of exercise, and he blinks as Daehyun plops down next to him, the younger holding his water bottle and bag. 

"Mind if I sit here?"

"It's a free room," Minsoo simply replies, deepening his stretch.

"Great! Thanks, hyung!"

Minsoo side-eyes the maknae as he drops into his own stretches, gaze drifting to Dongho and Jaewon across the room.

Jaewon looks pretty stiff-

_he doesn't care._

"Why're you here?" he finally asks, and Daehyun laughs, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I just felt like I haven't gotten to see you much lately!"

"Well, here I am," Minsoo snaps, nails digging into his feet. "Are you satisfied?"

"...do you wanna get coffee sometime?"

Minsoo wants to say yes. 

He really, really does.

But the others - they don't approve of that. They wouldn't approve of that, and Minsoo wants to impress them, so he has to conform.

"Nope," he replies, popping the "p" as a weight settles in his chest. "Now, leave me alone, will ya'? I'm trying to stretch."

"Oh," Daehyun murmurs, and Minsoo doesn't need to look to know he's about to cry. "Oh- okay, then. That's- that's fine!"

Minsoo bites his tongue, and doesn't reply.

* * *

He really, really doesn't like smoking.

 _Especially_ not when he's so close to the company building.

"Can we go somewhere else?" he asks for what must be the tenth time tonight, and Yejun groans, leaning against the wall.

"You're such a _buzzkill_. Hey, Woojin-ah, can we ditch this loser?"

"Yah," Woojin admonishes, though there's no real bite to it. "No."

" _Why_?"

Minsoo takes another drag from the cigarette, ignoring the way guilt coils in his chest. "Well, if you're gonna be a dick about it, then we can stay."

" _You're_ the one being a dick!"

"You're both being dumb," Minjun sighs, taking a swig from the can. "Just enjoy the night, will you? Live a little."

"I don't like him," Yejun mutters, but accepts the can Kunwoo's offering regardless. "Don't like him at all."

"Hey," Woojin easily replies, slinging an arm over Minsoo's shoulders. "He's my bro! Don't be mean to my bro!"

"Yeah," Minsoo fires back, and Yejun groans.

"Fuck both of you."

Minsoo exhales once more, a cloud of smoke filling the air, and his gaze drifts to the opening of the alleyway, where he catches glimpse of a shock of blond hair.

Daehyun?

It doesn't matter, he reminds himself, taking another drag. Daehyun _doesn't matter_.

So why-

why does he want to chase him so badly?

(he knows the answer. knows it's because he can't let go of the people who never gave a shit about him.)

"Pass me a beer," he states instead, offering his hand. "I need to get drunk."

"That's more like it!" Yejun cheers, tossing him a can. 

The drink burns like fire going down, but it's nothing compared to the aching loneliness clawing at his heart.

(and that's selfish in and of itself. he has friends, has people who care about him, so why?

why is he still so achingly lonely?)

**Author's Note:**

> fic title from devil on my shoulder by faith marie
> 
> [twit](https://twitter.com/i_was_human_) | [lit fic discord!](https://discord.gg/CNunB74)


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